home
***
CD-ROM
|
disk
|
FTP
|
other
***
search
/
The Illustrated Works of Shakespeare
/
Illustrated Works of Shakespeare, The (1990)(Animated Pixels)[!][CDTV-PC].iso
/
shakes
/
text
/
09
/
02_04
< prev
next >
Wrap
Text File
|
1991-04-10
|
20KB
|
540 lines
London. The Boar's Head Tavern in Eastcheap.
Enter 1st and 2nd DRAWER.
1st Drawer What the devil hast thou brought there? Apple-johns? Thou
knowest Sir John cannot endure an apple-john.
2nd Drawer Mass, thou sayst true. The prince once set a dish of
apple-johns before him, and told him there were five more
Sir Johns; and, putting off his hat, said "I will now take
my leave of these six dry, round, old, withered knights".
It angered him to the heart; but he hath forgot that.
1st Drawer Why then, cover, and set them down, and see if thou canst
find out Sneak's noise. Mistress Tearsheet would fain hear
some music.
Enter 3rd DRAWER.
3rd Drawer Dispatch! The room where they supped is too hot; they'll
come in straight.
1st Drawer Sirrah, here will be the prince and Master Poins anon, and
they will put on two of our jerkins and aprons, and Sir
John must not know of it. Bardolph hath brought word.
3rd Drawer By the mass, here will be old utis; it will be an
excellent stratagem.
2nd Drawer I'll see if I can find out Sneak.
[Exeunt 2nd and 3rd DRAWERS.
Enter HOSTESS and DOLL TEARSHEET.
Quickly I'faith, sweetheart, methinks now you are in an excellent
good temperality. Your pulsidge beats as extraordinarily
as heart would desire, and your colour, I warrant you, is
as red as any rose, in good truth, la. But i'faith, you
have drunk too much canaries, and that's a marvellous
searching wine, and it perfumes the blood ere one can say
"What's this?" How do you now?
Doll Tearsheet Better than I was - Hem!
Quickly Why, that's well said! A good heart's worth gold. Lo, here
comes Sir John.
Enter FALSTAFF.
Falstaff [Sings.] "When Arthur first in court" -
[To 1st DRAWER.] Empty the jordan.
[Exit 1st DRAWER.
[Sings.] "And was a worthy king" -
How now, Mistress Doll?
Quickly Sick of a calm, yea, good faith.
Falstaff So is all her sect; and they be once in a calm they are
sick.
Doll Tearsheet A pox damn you, you muddy rascal! Is that all the comfort
you give me?
Falstaff You make fat rascals, Mistress Doll.
Doll Tearsheet I make them? Gluttony and diseases make them; I make them
not.
Falstaff If the cook help to make the gluttony, you help to make
the diseases, Doll: - we catch of you, Doll, we catch of
you; grant that, my poor virtue, grant that.
Doll Tearsheet Yea, joy, our chains and our jewels.
Falstaff "Your brooches, pearls, and ouches" - for to serve bravely
is to come halting off, you know; to come off the breach
with his pike bent bravely, and to surgery bravely; to
venture upon the charged chambers bravely -
Doll Tearsheet Hang yourself, you muddy conger, hang yourself!
Quickly By my troth, this is the old fashion; you two never meet
but you fall to some discord. You are both, i' good truth,
as rheumatic as two dry toasts; you cannot one bear with
another's confirmities. What the goodyear! - one must
bear, [To DOLL.] and that must be you: you are the weaker
vessel, as they say, the emptier vessel.
Doll Tearsheet Can a weak empty vessel bear such a huge full hogshead?
There's a whole merchant's venture of Bordeaux stuff in
him; you have not seen a hulk better stuffed in the hold.
Come, I'll be friends with thee, Jack. Thou art going to
the wars; and whether I shall ever see thee again or no
there is nobody cares.
Re-enter 1st DRAWER.
1st Drawer Sir, Ensign Pistol's below, and would speak with you.
Doll Tearsheet Hang him, swaggering rascal! Let him not come hither. It
is the foul-mouthed'st rogue in England.
Quickly If he swagger, let him not come here. No, by my faith! I
must live among my neighbours; I'll no swaggerers. I am in
good name and fame with the very best. Shut the door;
there comes no swaggerers here. I have not lived all this
while to have swaggering now. Shut the door, I pray you.
Falstaff Dost thou hear, hostess?
Quickly Pray ye pacify yourself, Sir John; there comes no
swaggerers here.
Falstaff Dost thou hear? It is mine ensign.
Quickly Tilly-fally, Sir John, ne'er tell me; your ensign
swaggerer comes not in my doors. I was before Master
Tisick the deputy t'other day, and, as he said to me -
'twas no longer ago than Wednesday last, i'good faith -
"Neighbour Quickly," says he - Master Dumb our minister
was by then - "Neighbour Quickly," says he "receive those
that are civil, for" said he "you are in an ill name". Now
a' said so, I can tell whereupon. "For" says he "you are
an honest woman, and well thought on; therefore take heed
what guests you receive. Receive" says he "no swaggering
companions." There comes none here. You would bless you to
hear what he said. No, I'll no swaggerers.
Falstaff He's no swaggerer, hostess - a tame cheater, i'faith; you
may stroke him as gently as a puppy greyhound. He'll not
swagger with a Barbary hen if her feathers turn back in
any show of resistance. Call him up, drawer.
[Exit 1st DRAWER.
Quickly Cheater, call you him? I will bar no honest man my house,
nor no cheater; but I do not love swaggering, by my troth,
I am the worse when one says 'swagger'. Feel, masters, how
I shake; look you, I warrant you.
Doll Tearsheet So you do, hostess.
Quickly Do I? Yea, in very truth do I, and 'twere an aspen leaf. I
cannot abide swaggerers.
Enter Ensign PISTOL, BARDOLPH, and PAGE.
Pistol God save you, Sir John!
Falstaff Welcome, Ensign Pistol! Here, Pistol, I charge you with a
cup of sack; do you discharge upon mine hostess.
Pistol I will discharge upon her, Sir John, with two bullets.
Falstaff She is pistol-proof, sir; you shall not hardly offend her.
Quickly Come, I'll drink no proofs, nor no bullets. I'll drink no
more than will do me good, for no man's pleasure, I.
Pistol Then to you, Mistress Dorothy! I will charge you.
Doll Tearsheet Charge me? I scorn you, scurvy companion. What, you poor,
base, rascally, cheating, lack-linen mate! Away, you
mouldy rogue, away! I am meat for your master.
Pistol I know you, Mistress Dorothy.
Doll Tearsheet Away, you cutpurse rascal, you filthy bung, away!
[Snatching a knife.] By this wine, I'll thrust my knife in
your mouldy chaps and you play the saucy cuttle with me.
Away, you bottle-ale rascal, you basket-hilt stale
juggler, you! Since when, I pray you, sir? God's light,
with two points on your shoulder? Much!
Pistol [Drawing.] God let me not live but I will murder your ruff
for this.
Falstaff No more, Pistol! I would not have you go off here.
Discharge yourself of our company, Pistol.
Quickly No, good Captain Pistol, not here, sweet captain.
Doll Tearsheet Captain? Thou abominable damned cheater, art thou not
ashamed to be called captain? And captains were of my
mind, they would truncheon you out for taking their names
upon you before you have earned them. You a captain, you
slave? For what? For tearing a poor whore's ruff in a
bawdy-house? He a captain? Hang him, rogue! He lives upon
mouldy stewed prunes and dried cakes. A captain? God's
light, these villains will make the word as odious as the
word 'occupy', which was an excellent good word before it
was ill sorted. Therefore captains had need look to't.
Bardolph Pray thee go down, good ensign.
Falstaff Hark thee hither, Mistress Doll.
[He whispers to DOLL.
Pistol Not I! I tell thee what, Corporal Bardolph, I could tear
her! I'll be revenged of her.
Page Pray thee go down.
Pistol I'll see her damned first! - to Pluto's damnd lake, by
this hand, to th' infernal deep, with Erebus and tortures
vile also. Hold hook and line, say I. Down, down, dogs!
Down, faitors! Have we not Hiren here?
Quickly Good Captain Peesel, be quiet; 'tis very late, i'faith. I
beseek you now, aggravate your choler.
Pistol These be good humours indeed! Shall pack-horses,
And hollow pampered jades of Asia,
Which cannot go but thirty mile a day,
Compare with Caesars and with Cannibals,
And Trojan Greeks? Nay, rather damn them with
King Cerberus, and let the welkin roar!
Shall we fall foul for toys?
Quickly By my troth, captain, these are very bitter words.
Bardolph Be gone, good ensign; this will grow to a brawl anon.
Pistol Die men like dogs! Give crowns like pins! Have we not
Hiren here?
Quickly O' my word, captain, there's none such here. What the
goodyear, do you think I would deny her? For God's sake be
quiet!
Pistol Then feed and be fat, my fair Calipolis.
Come, give's some sack.
Si fortune me tormente sperato me contento.
Fear we broadsides? No, let the fiend give fire.
Give me some sack; and, sweetheart, lie thou there.
[Laying down his sword.
Come we to full points here, and are etceteras nothings?
Falstaff Pistol, I would be quiet.
Pistol Sweet knight, I kiss thy neaf. What, we have seen the
seven stars.
Doll Tearsheet For God's sake, thrust him downstairs; I cannot endure
such a fustian rascal.
Pistol Thrust him downstairs! Know we not Galloway nags?
Falstaff Quoit him down, Bardolph, like a shove-groat shilling.
Nay, and a' do nothing but speak nothing, a' shall be
nothing here.
Bardolph Come, get you downstairs.
Pistol What, shall we have incision? Shall we imbrue?
[Snatching up his sword.
Then death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days!
Why then, let grievous, ghastly, gaping wounds
Untwine the Sisters Three! Come, Atropos, I say!
Quickly Here's goodly stuff toward!
Falstaff Give me my rapier, boy.
Doll Tearsheet I pray thee, Jack, I pray thee do not draw.
Falstaff [Drawing.] Get you downstairs.
[BARDOLPH draws on PISTOL.
Quickly Here's a goodly tumult! I'll forswear keeping house afore
I'll be in these tirrits and frights.
[FALSTAFF thrusts at PISTOL.
So! Murder, I warrant now. Alas, alas, put up your naked
weapons, put up your naked weapons!
[Exit BARDOLPH, driving PISTOL out.
Doll Tearsheet I pray thee, Jack, be quiet; the rascal's gone. Ah, you
whoreson little valiant villain, you!
Quickly Are you not hurt i'th' groin? Methought a' made a shrewd
thrust at your belly.
Re-enter BARDOLPH.
Falstaff Have you turned him out a-doors?
Bardolph Yea, sir. The rascal's drunk. You have hurt him, sir,
i'th' shoulder.
Falstaff A rascal, to brave me!
Doll Tearsheet Ah, you sweet little rogue, you! Alas, poor ape, how thou
sweat'st! Come, let me wipe thy face. Come on, you
whoreson chops! Ah, rogue, i'faith, I love thee. Thou art
as valorous as Hector of Troy, worth five of Agamemnon,
and ten times better than the Nine Worthies. Ah, villain!
Falstaff A rascally slave! I will toss the rogue in a blanket.
Doll Tearsheet Do, and thou dar'st for thy heart. And thou dost, I'll
canvass thee between a pair of sheets.
Enter MUSICIANS.
Page The music is come, sir.
Falstaff Let them play. Play, sirs.
[Music.
Sit on my knee, Doll. A rascal bragging slave! The rogue
fled from me like quicksilver.
Doll Tearsheet I'faith, and thou followed'st him like a church. Thou
whoreson little tidy Bartholomew boar-pig, when wilt thou
leave fighting a-days and foining a-nights, and begin to
patch up thine old body for heaven?
Enter, behind, the PRINCE and POINS disguised as drawers.
Falstaff Peace, good Doll, do not speak like a death's-head. Do not
bid me remember mine end.
Doll Tearsheet Sirrah, what humour's the prince of?
Falstaff A good shallow young fellow. A' would have made a good
pantler; a' would ha' chipped bread well.
Doll Tearsheet They say Poins has a good wit.
Falstaff He a good wit? Hang him, baboon! His wit's as thick as
Tewkesbury mustard; there's no more conceit in him than is
in a mallet.
Doll Tearsheet Why does the prince love him so, then?
Falstaff Because their legs are both of a bigness, and a' plays at
quoits well, and eats conger and fennel, and drinks off
candles' ends for flap-dragons, and rides the wild mare
with the boys, and jumps upon joint-stools, and swears
with a good grace, and wears his boots very smooth like
unto the sign of the leg, and breeds no bate with telling
of discreet stories, and such other gambol faculties a'
has that show a weak mind and an able body, for the which
the prince admits him; for the prince himself is such
another: the weight of a hair will turn the scales between
their avoirdupois.
Prince Henry [Aside to POINS.] Would not this nave of a wheel have his
ears cut off?
Poins [Aside to PRINCE.] Let's beat him before his whore.
Prince Henry [Aside to POINS.] Look whe'er the withered elder hath not
his poll clawed like a parrot.
Poins [Aside to PRINCE.] Is it not strange that desire should so
many years outlive performance?
Falstaff Kiss me, Doll.
Prince Henry [Aside to POINS.] Saturn and Venus this year in
conjunction! What says th' almanac to that?
Poins [Aside to PRINCE.] And look whether the fiery Trigon his
man be not lisping to his master's old tables, his
notebook, his counsel-keeper.
Falstaff Thou dost give me flattering busses.
Doll Tearsheet By my troth, I kiss thee with a most constant heart.
Falstaff I am old, I am old.
Doll Tearsheet I love thee better than I love e'er a scurvy young boy of
them all.
Falstaff What stuff wilt thou have a kirtle of? I shall receive
money a-Thursday; shalt have a cap tomorrow. A merry song!
Come, it grows late; we'll to bed. Thou'lt forget me when
I am gone.
Doll Tearsheet By my troth, thou'lt set me a-weeping and thou sayst so.
Prove that ever I dress myself handsome till thy return -
well, hearken a'th' end.
Falstaff Some sack, Francis.
Prince Henry &
Poins [Advancing.] Anon, anon, sir.
Falstaff Ha, a bastard son of the king's? And art not thou Poins
his brother?
Prince Henry Why, thou globe of sinful continents, what a life dost
thou lead!
Falstaff A better than thou: I am a gentleman, thou art a drawer.
Prince Henry Very true, sir, and I come to draw you out by the ears.
Quickly O the Lord preserve thy grace! By my troth, welcome to
London. Now the Lord bless that sweet face of thine! O
Jesu, are you come from Wales?
Falstaff Thou whoreson mad compound of majesty, by this light flesh
and corrupt blood, [Indicating DOLL.] thou art welcome.
Doll Tearsheet How, you fat fool! I scorn you.
Poins My lord, he will drive you out of your revenge and turn
all to a merriment, if you take not the heat.
Prince Henry You whoreson candle-mine you, how vilely did you speak of
me even now, before this honest, virtuous, civil
gentlewoman!
Quickly God's blessing of your good heart! - and so she is, by my
troth.
Falstaff Didst thou hear me?
Prince Henry Yea, and you knew me, as you did when you ran away by
Gad's Hill; you knew I was at your back, and spoke it on
purpose to try my patience.
Falstaff No, no, no, not so; I did not think thou wast within
hearing.
Prince Henry I shall drive you then to confess the wilful abuse, and
then I know how to handle you.
Falstaff No abuse, Hal, a'mine honour, no abuse.
Prince Henry Not? To dispraise me, and call me pantler and bread-
chipper and I know not what?
Falstaff No abuse, Hal.
Poins No abuse!
Falstaff No abuse, Ned, i'th' world, honest Ned, none. I dispraised
him before the wicked that the wicked might not fall in
love with him; [To PRINCE HENRY.] in which doing, I have
done the part of a careful friend and a true subject, and
thy father is to give me thanks for it. No abuse, Hal;
none, Ned, none; no, faith, boys, none.
Prince Henry See now whether pure fear and entire cowardice doth not
make thee wrong this virtuous gentlewoman to close with
us. Is she of the wicked? Is thine hostess here of the
wicked? Or is thy boy of the wicked? Or honest Bardolph,
whose zeal burns in his nose, of the wicked?
Poins Answer, thou dead elm, answer.
Falstaff The fiend hath pricked down Bardolph irrecoverable, and
his face is Lucifer's privy-kitchen, where he doth nothing
but roast maltworms. For the boy, there is a good angel
about him; but the devil outbids him too.
Prince Henry For the women?
Falstaff For one of them, she's in hell already, and burns poor
souls; for th' other, I owe her money, and whether she be
damned for that I know not.
Quickly No, I warrant you.
Falstaff No, I think thou art not; I think thou art quit for that.
Marry, there is another indictment upon thee, for
suffering flesh to be eaten in thy house, contrary to the
law, for the which I think thou wilt howl.
Quickly All victuallers do so. What's a joint of mutton or two in
a whole Lent?
Prince Henry You, gentlewoman -
Doll Tearsheet What says your grace?
Falstaff His grace says that which his flesh rebels against.
[PETO knocks at the door.
Quickly Who knocks so loud at door? Look to th' door there,
Francis.
Enter PETO.
Prince Henry Peto, how now, what news?
Peto The king your father is at Westminster,
And there are twenty weak and wearied posts
Come from the north; and as I came along
I met and overtook a dozen captains,
Bareheaded, sweating, knocking at the taverns,
And asking everyone for Sir John Falstaff.
Prince Henry By heaven, Poins, I feel me much to blame,
So idly to profane the precious time
When tempest of commotion, like the south
Borne with black vapour, doth begin to melt
And drop upon our bare unarmd heads.
Give me my sword and cloak. Falstaff, good night.
[Exeunt PRINCE, POINS, and PETO.
Falstaff Now comes in the sweetest morsel of the night, and we must
hence and leave it unpicked.
[Knocking within. Exit BARDOLPH.
More knocking at the door?
Re-enter BARDOLPH.
How now! What's the matter?
Bardolph You must away to court, sir, presently.
A dozen captains stay at door for you.
Falstaff [To PAGE.] Pay the musicians, sirrah. Farewell, hostess;
farewell, Doll. You see, my good wenches, how men of merit
are sought after: the undeserver may sleep, when the man
of action is called on. Farewell, good wenches. If I be
not sent away post, I will see you again ere I go.
Doll Tearsheet I cannot speak; if my heart be not ready to burst ....
Well, sweet Jack, have a care of thyself.
Falstaff Farewell, farewell.
[Exeunt FALSTAFF, BARDOLPH and PAGE.
Quickly Well, fare thee well. I have known thee these twenty-nine
years come peascod-time, but an honester and truer-hearted
man .... well, fare thee well.
Bardolph [Calling within.] Mistress Tearsheet!
Quickly What's the matter?
Bardolph [Calling.] Bid Mistress Tearsheet come to my master.
Quickly O run, Doll, run; run, good Doll. Come! [Calling.] She
comes blubbered. - Yea, will you come, Doll.
[Exeunt.