The Illustrated Works of Shakespeare/Illustrated Works of Shakespeare, The (1990)(Animated Pixels)[!][CDTV-PC].iso/shakes/text/09/02_04

Text File | 1991-04-10 | 20KB | 540 lines

London. The Boar's Head Tavern in Eastcheap.
 Enter 1st and 2nd DRAWER.

1st Drawer    What the devil hast thou brought there? Apple-johns? Thou
    knowest Sir John cannot endure an apple-john.

2nd Drawer    Mass, thou sayst true. The prince once set a dish of
    apple-johns before him, and told him there were five more
    Sir Johns; and, putting off his hat, said "I will now take
    my leave of these six dry, round, old, withered knights".
    It angered him to the heart; but he hath forgot that.

1st Drawer    Why then, cover, and set them down, and see if thou canst
    find out Sneak's noise. Mistress Tearsheet would fain hear
    some music.

                            Enter 3rd DRAWER.

3rd Drawer    Dispatch! The room where they supped is too hot; they'll
    come in straight.

1st Drawer    Sirrah, here will be the prince and Master Poins anon, and
    they will put on two of our jerkins and aprons, and Sir
    John must not know of it. Bardolph hath brought word.

3rd Drawer    By the mass, here will be old utis; it will be an
    excellent stratagem.

2nd Drawer    I'll see if I can find out Sneak.
                                        [Exeunt 2nd and 3rd DRAWERS.

                    Enter HOSTESS and DOLL TEARSHEET.

Quickly    I'faith, sweetheart, methinks now you are in an excellent
    good temperality. Your pulsidge beats as extraordinarily
    as heart would desire, and your colour, I warrant you, is
    as red as any rose, in good truth, la. But i'faith, you
    have drunk too much canaries, and that's a marvellous
    searching wine, and it perfumes the blood ere one can say
    "What's this?" How do you now?

Doll Tearsheet    Better than I was - Hem!

Quickly    Why, that's well said! A good heart's worth gold. Lo, here
    comes Sir John.

                             Enter FALSTAFF.

Falstaff    [Sings.]    "When Arthur first in court" -
    [To 1st DRAWER.]    Empty the jordan.
                                                    [Exit 1st DRAWER.
    [Sings.]    "And was a worthy king" -
    How now, Mistress Doll?

Quickly    Sick of a calm, yea, good faith.

Falstaff    So is all her sect; and they be once in a calm they are
    sick.

Doll Tearsheet    A pox damn you, you muddy rascal! Is that all the comfort
    you give me?

Falstaff    You make fat rascals, Mistress Doll.

Doll Tearsheet    I make them? Gluttony and diseases make them; I make them
    not.

Falstaff    If the cook help to make the gluttony, you help to make
    the diseases, Doll: - we catch of you, Doll, we catch of
    you; grant that, my poor virtue, grant that.

Doll Tearsheet    Yea, joy, our chains and our jewels.

Falstaff    "Your brooches, pearls, and ouches" - for to serve bravely
    is to come halting off, you know; to come off the breach
    with his pike bent bravely, and to surgery bravely; to
    venture upon the charged chambers bravely -

Doll Tearsheet    Hang yourself, you muddy conger, hang yourself!

Quickly    By my troth, this is the old fashion; you two never meet
    but you fall to some discord. You are both, i' good truth,
    as rheumatic as two dry toasts; you cannot one bear with
    another's confirmities. What the goodyear! - one must
    bear, [To DOLL.] and that must be you: you are the weaker
    vessel, as they say, the emptier vessel.

Doll Tearsheet    Can a weak empty vessel bear such a huge full hogshead?
    There's a whole merchant's venture of Bordeaux stuff in
    him; you have not seen a hulk better stuffed in the hold.
    Come, I'll be friends with thee, Jack. Thou art going to
    the wars; and whether I shall ever see thee again or no
    there is nobody cares.

                           Re-enter 1st DRAWER.

1st Drawer    Sir, Ensign Pistol's below, and would speak with you.

Doll Tearsheet    Hang him, swaggering rascal! Let him not come hither. It
    is the foul-mouthed'st rogue in England.

Quickly    If he swagger, let him not come here. No, by my faith! I
    must live among my neighbours; I'll no swaggerers. I am in
    good name and fame with the very best. Shut the door;
    there comes no swaggerers here. I have not lived all this
    while to have swaggering now. Shut the door, I pray you.

Falstaff    Dost thou hear, hostess?

Quickly    Pray ye pacify yourself, Sir John; there comes no
    swaggerers here.

Falstaff    Dost thou hear? It is mine ensign.

Quickly    Tilly-fally, Sir John, ne'er tell me; your ensign
    swaggerer comes not in my doors. I was before Master
    Tisick the deputy t'other day, and, as he said to me -
    'twas no longer ago than Wednesday last, i'good faith -
    "Neighbour Quickly," says he - Master Dumb our minister
    was by then - "Neighbour Quickly," says he "receive those
    that are civil, for" said he "you are in an ill name". Now
    a' said so, I can tell whereupon. "For" says he "you are
    an honest woman, and well thought on; therefore take heed
    what guests you receive. Receive" says he "no swaggering
    companions." There comes none here. You would bless you to
    hear what he said. No, I'll no swaggerers.

Falstaff    He's no swaggerer, hostess - a tame cheater, i'faith; you
    may stroke him as gently as a puppy greyhound. He'll not
    swagger with a Barbary hen if her feathers turn back in
    any show of resistance. Call him up, drawer.
                                                    [Exit 1st DRAWER.

Quickly    Cheater, call you him? I will bar no honest man my house,
    nor no cheater; but I do not love swaggering, by my troth,
    I am the worse when one says 'swagger'. Feel, masters, how
    I shake; look you, I warrant you.

Doll Tearsheet    So you do, hostess.

Quickly    Do I? Yea, in very truth do I, and 'twere an aspen leaf. I
    cannot abide swaggerers.

                 Enter Ensign PISTOL, BARDOLPH, and PAGE.

Pistol    God save you, Sir John!

Falstaff    Welcome, Ensign Pistol! Here, Pistol, I charge you with a
    cup of sack; do you discharge upon mine hostess.

Pistol    I will discharge upon her, Sir John, with two bullets.

Falstaff    She is pistol-proof, sir; you shall not hardly offend her.

Quickly    Come, I'll drink no proofs, nor no bullets. I'll drink no
    more than will do me good, for no man's pleasure, I.

Pistol    Then to you, Mistress Dorothy! I will charge you.

Doll Tearsheet    Charge me? I scorn you, scurvy companion. What, you poor,
    base, rascally, cheating, lack-linen mate! Away, you
    mouldy rogue, away! I am meat for your master.

Pistol    I know you, Mistress Dorothy.

Doll Tearsheet    Away, you cutpurse rascal, you filthy bung, away!
    [Snatching a knife.] By this wine, I'll thrust my knife in
    your mouldy chaps and you play the saucy cuttle with me.
    Away, you bottle-ale rascal, you basket-hilt stale
    juggler, you! Since when, I pray you, sir? God's light,
    with two points on your shoulder? Much!

Pistol    [Drawing.] God let me not live but I will murder your ruff
    for this.

Falstaff    No more, Pistol! I would not have you go off here.
    Discharge yourself of our company, Pistol.

Quickly    No, good Captain Pistol, not here, sweet captain.

Doll Tearsheet    Captain? Thou abominable damned cheater, art thou not
    ashamed to be called captain? And captains were of my
    mind, they would truncheon you out for taking their names
    upon you before you have earned them. You a captain, you
    slave? For what? For tearing a poor whore's ruff in a
    bawdy-house? He a captain? Hang him, rogue! He lives upon
    mouldy stewed prunes and dried cakes. A captain? God's
    light, these villains will make the word as odious as the
    word 'occupy', which was an excellent good word before it
    was ill sorted. Therefore captains had need look to't.

Bardolph    Pray thee go down, good ensign.

Falstaff    Hark thee hither, Mistress Doll.
                                                    [He whispers to DOLL.

Pistol    Not I! I tell thee what, Corporal Bardolph, I could tear
    her! I'll be revenged of her.

Page    Pray thee go down.

Pistol    I'll see her damned first! - to Pluto's damnd lake, by
    this hand, to th' infernal deep, with Erebus and tortures
    vile also. Hold hook and line, say I. Down, down, dogs!
    Down, faitors! Have we not Hiren here?

Quickly    Good Captain Peesel, be quiet; 'tis very late, i'faith. I
    beseek you now, aggravate your choler.

Pistol    These be good humours indeed! Shall pack-horses,
    And hollow pampered jades of Asia,
    Which cannot go but thirty mile a day,
    Compare with Caesars and with Cannibals,
    And Trojan Greeks? Nay, rather damn them with
    King Cerberus, and let the welkin roar!
    Shall we fall foul for toys?

Quickly    By my troth, captain, these are very bitter words.

Bardolph    Be gone, good ensign; this will grow to a brawl anon.

Pistol    Die men like dogs! Give crowns like pins! Have we not
    Hiren here?

Quickly    O' my word, captain, there's none such here. What the
    goodyear, do you think I would deny her? For God's sake be
    quiet!

Pistol    Then feed and be fat, my fair Calipolis.
    Come, give's some sack.
    Si fortune me tormente sperato me contento.
    Fear we broadsides? No, let the fiend give fire.
    Give me some sack; and, sweetheart, lie thou there.
                                                    [Laying down his sword.
    Come we to full points here, and are etceteras nothings?

Falstaff    Pistol, I would be quiet.

Pistol    Sweet knight, I kiss thy neaf. What, we have seen the
    seven stars.

Doll Tearsheet    For God's sake, thrust him downstairs; I cannot endure
    such a fustian rascal.

Pistol    Thrust him downstairs! Know we not Galloway nags?

Falstaff    Quoit him down, Bardolph, like a shove-groat shilling.
    Nay, and a' do nothing but speak nothing, a' shall be
    nothing here.

Bardolph    Come, get you downstairs.

Pistol    What, shall we have incision? Shall we imbrue?
                                                    [Snatching up his sword.
    Then death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days!
    Why then, let grievous, ghastly, gaping wounds
    Untwine the Sisters Three! Come, Atropos, I say!

Quickly    Here's goodly stuff toward!

Falstaff    Give me my rapier, boy.

Doll Tearsheet    I pray thee, Jack, I pray thee do not draw.

Falstaff    [Drawing.] Get you downstairs.
                                                [BARDOLPH draws on PISTOL.

Quickly    Here's a goodly tumult! I'll forswear keeping house afore
    I'll be in these tirrits and frights.
                                        [FALSTAFF thrusts at PISTOL.
    So! Murder, I warrant now. Alas, alas, put up your naked
    weapons, put up your naked weapons!
                                [Exit BARDOLPH, driving PISTOL out.

Doll Tearsheet    I pray thee, Jack, be quiet; the rascal's gone. Ah, you
    whoreson little valiant villain, you!

Quickly    Are you not hurt i'th' groin? Methought a' made a shrewd
    thrust at your belly.

                            Re-enter BARDOLPH.

Falstaff    Have you turned him out a-doors?

Bardolph    Yea, sir. The rascal's drunk. You have hurt him, sir,
    i'th' shoulder.

Falstaff    A rascal, to brave me!

Doll Tearsheet    Ah, you sweet little rogue, you! Alas, poor ape, how thou
    sweat'st! Come, let me wipe thy face. Come on, you
    whoreson chops! Ah, rogue, i'faith, I love thee. Thou art
    as valorous as Hector of Troy, worth five of Agamemnon,
    and ten times better than the Nine Worthies. Ah, villain!

Falstaff    A rascally slave! I will toss the rogue in a blanket.

Doll Tearsheet    Do, and thou dar'st for thy heart. And thou dost, I'll
    canvass thee between a pair of sheets.

                             Enter MUSICIANS.

Page    The music is come, sir.

Falstaff    Let them play. Play, sirs.
                                                    [Music.
    Sit on my knee, Doll. A rascal bragging slave! The rogue
    fled from me like quicksilver.

Doll Tearsheet    I'faith, and thou followed'st him like a church. Thou
    whoreson little tidy Bartholomew boar-pig, when wilt thou
    leave fighting a-days and foining a-nights, and begin to
    patch up thine old body for heaven?

        Enter, behind, the PRINCE and POINS disguised as drawers.

Falstaff    Peace, good Doll, do not speak like a death's-head. Do not
    bid me remember mine end.

Doll Tearsheet    Sirrah, what humour's the prince of?

Falstaff    A good shallow young fellow. A' would have made a good
    pantler; a' would ha' chipped bread well.

Doll Tearsheet    They say Poins has a good wit.

Falstaff    He a good wit? Hang him, baboon! His wit's as thick as
    Tewkesbury mustard; there's no more conceit in him than is
    in a mallet.

Doll Tearsheet    Why does the prince love him so, then?

Falstaff    Because their legs are both of a bigness, and a' plays at
    quoits well, and eats conger and fennel, and drinks off
    candles' ends for flap-dragons, and rides the wild mare
    with the boys, and jumps upon joint-stools, and swears
    with a good grace, and wears his boots very smooth like
    unto the sign of the leg, and breeds no bate with telling
    of discreet stories, and such other gambol faculties a'
    has that show a weak mind and an able body, for the which
    the prince admits him; for the prince himself is such
    another: the weight of a hair will turn the scales between
    their avoirdupois.

Prince Henry    [Aside to POINS.] Would not this nave of a wheel have his
    ears cut off?

Poins    [Aside to PRINCE.] Let's beat him before his whore.

Prince Henry    [Aside to POINS.] Look whe'er the withered elder hath not
    his poll clawed like a parrot.

Poins    [Aside to PRINCE.] Is it not strange that desire should so
    many years outlive performance?

Falstaff    Kiss me, Doll.

Prince Henry    [Aside to POINS.] Saturn and Venus this year in
    conjunction! What says th' almanac to that?

Poins    [Aside to PRINCE.] And look whether the fiery Trigon his
    man be not lisping to his master's old tables, his
    notebook, his counsel-keeper.

Falstaff    Thou dost give me flattering busses.

Doll Tearsheet    By my troth, I kiss thee with a most constant heart.

Falstaff    I am old, I am old.

Doll Tearsheet    I love thee better than I love e'er a scurvy young boy of
    them all.

Falstaff    What stuff wilt thou have a kirtle of? I shall receive
    money a-Thursday; shalt have a cap tomorrow. A merry song!
    Come, it grows late; we'll to bed. Thou'lt forget me when
    I am gone.

Doll Tearsheet    By my troth, thou'lt set me a-weeping and thou sayst so.
    Prove that ever I dress myself handsome till thy return -
    well, hearken a'th' end.

Falstaff    Some sack, Francis.

Prince Henry &
Poins    [Advancing.] Anon, anon, sir.

Falstaff    Ha, a bastard son of the king's? And art not thou Poins
    his brother?

Prince Henry    Why, thou globe of sinful continents, what a life dost
    thou lead!

Falstaff    A better than thou: I am a gentleman, thou art a drawer.

Prince Henry    Very true, sir, and I come to draw you out by the ears.

Quickly    O the Lord preserve thy grace! By my troth, welcome to
    London. Now the Lord bless that sweet face of thine! O
    Jesu, are you come from Wales?

Falstaff    Thou whoreson mad compound of majesty, by this light flesh
    and corrupt blood, [Indicating DOLL.] thou art welcome.

Doll Tearsheet    How, you fat fool! I scorn you.

Poins    My lord, he will drive you out of your revenge and turn
    all to a merriment, if you take not the heat.

Prince Henry    You whoreson candle-mine you, how vilely did you speak of
    me even now, before this honest, virtuous, civil
    gentlewoman!

Quickly    God's blessing of your good heart! - and so she is, by my
    troth.

Falstaff    Didst thou hear me?

Prince Henry    Yea, and you knew me, as you did when you ran away by
    Gad's Hill; you knew I was at your back, and spoke it on
    purpose to try my patience.

Falstaff    No, no, no, not so; I did not think thou wast within
    hearing.

Prince Henry    I shall drive you then to confess the wilful abuse, and
    then I know how to handle you.

Falstaff    No abuse, Hal, a'mine honour, no abuse.

Prince Henry    Not? To dispraise me, and call me pantler and bread-
    chipper and I know not what?

Falstaff    No abuse, Hal.

Poins    No abuse!

Falstaff    No abuse, Ned, i'th' world, honest Ned, none. I dispraised
    him before the wicked that the wicked might not fall in
    love with him; [To PRINCE HENRY.] in which doing, I have
    done the part of a careful friend and a true subject, and
    thy father is to give me thanks for it. No abuse, Hal;
    none, Ned, none; no, faith, boys, none.

Prince Henry    See now whether pure fear and entire cowardice doth not
    make thee wrong this virtuous gentlewoman to close with
    us. Is she of the wicked? Is thine hostess here of the
    wicked? Or is thy boy of the wicked? Or honest Bardolph,
    whose zeal burns in his nose, of the wicked?

Poins    Answer, thou dead elm, answer.

Falstaff    The fiend hath pricked down Bardolph irrecoverable, and
    his face is Lucifer's privy-kitchen, where he doth nothing
    but roast maltworms. For the boy, there is a good angel
    about him; but the devil outbids him too.

Prince Henry    For the women?

Falstaff    For one of them, she's in hell already, and burns poor
    souls; for th' other, I owe her money, and whether she be
    damned for that I know not.

Quickly    No, I warrant you.

Falstaff    No, I think thou art not; I think thou art quit for that.
    Marry, there is another indictment upon thee, for
    suffering flesh to be eaten in thy house, contrary to the
    law, for the which I think thou wilt howl.

Quickly    All victuallers do so. What's a joint of mutton or two in
    a whole Lent?

Prince Henry    You, gentlewoman -

Doll Tearsheet    What says your grace?

Falstaff    His grace says that which his flesh rebels against.
                                                    [PETO knocks at the door.

Quickly    Who knocks so loud at door? Look to th' door there,
    Francis.

                               Enter PETO.

Prince Henry    Peto, how now, what news?

Peto    The king your father is at Westminster,
    And there are twenty weak and wearied posts
    Come from the north; and as I came along
    I met and overtook a dozen captains,
    Bareheaded, sweating, knocking at the taverns,
    And asking everyone for Sir John Falstaff.

Prince Henry    By heaven, Poins, I feel me much to blame,
    So idly to profane the precious time
    When tempest of commotion, like the south
    Borne with black vapour, doth begin to melt
    And drop upon our bare unarmd heads.
    Give me my sword and cloak. Falstaff, good night.
                                    [Exeunt PRINCE, POINS, and PETO.

Falstaff    Now comes in the sweetest morsel of the night, and we must
    hence and leave it unpicked.
                                    [Knocking within. Exit BARDOLPH.
    More knocking at the door?

                            Re-enter BARDOLPH.

    How now! What's the matter?

Bardolph    You must away to court, sir, presently.
    A dozen captains stay at door for you.

Falstaff    [To PAGE.] Pay the musicians, sirrah. Farewell, hostess;
    farewell, Doll. You see, my good wenches, how men of merit
    are sought after: the undeserver may sleep, when the man
    of action is called on. Farewell, good wenches. If I be
    not sent away post, I will see you again ere I go.

Doll Tearsheet    I cannot speak; if my heart be not ready to burst ....
    Well, sweet Jack, have a care of thyself.

Falstaff    Farewell, farewell.
                            [Exeunt FALSTAFF, BARDOLPH and PAGE.

Quickly    Well, fare thee well. I have known thee these twenty-nine
    years come peascod-time, but an honester and truer-hearted
    man .... well, fare thee well.

Bardolph    [Calling within.] Mistress Tearsheet!

Quickly    What's the matter?

Bardolph    [Calling.] Bid Mistress Tearsheet come to my master.

Quickly    O run, Doll, run; run, good Doll. Come! [Calling.] She
    comes blubbered. - Yea, will you come, Doll.
                                                    [Exeunt.